What My Struggles Led Me To Be Passionate About

In 2017, I had the worst sciatica I had ever experiences. It was through yoga that I got my life back and was pain-free after two months. Before that, I was in constant pain, which was always a 10/10. I still remember the pain because I used to press my hip into the edge of a table for some relief, which I have found only through yoga. So, that is why I love yoga. It saves me time and time again and I keep returning to it, because it brings me back to myself and helps me with pain like no medicine alone, ever could.

Forward to today, I am in need of yoga again, because my weight and breathing has become a real issue for me.
I have never been fully complacent when it comes to my health. I have definitely had seasons of partying too hard and that alone, has taken a toll and resulted in the body I have today.

It is not a horrible body, but it is not the body that feels like home. I was always either too skinny, too healthy, or too unhealthy. I was never able to find a way to live a balance life. And for the first time, in my adult years, I am on a path to find that balance, for myself.

But this is more than just creating a balanced life. It is about letting go of the story, I told myself for all of these years.
I have always searched for my worth in things, people, projects, diets, fitness or prestige. For the first time, I am realizing, that it is not about having achieved high scores on a math exam, but it is about seeing a reflection of myself in my every day life. It is about seeing myself, in my morning skin care routine, it is about seeing myself, in my fitness plan, and it is about seeing myself in the every day nuances that make up my week, month and a year.

Going from a size 00 in my early 30s to a size 2 has been a real life changer for me. Now, I am overweight and in need of rewinding some of these pounds. There was a time in my life, I used to pray for gaining weight. I was under 100 pounds, and for the life of me , I could not gain weight, no matter what I ate. I also could not work out because I was too weak and I trembled during my yoga practice because I was unable to stand solid. Now, I can hold the yoga poses I used fall out of, except now, I am inflexible and feeling heavy as a whale. I love humpback whales, so I am trying to give myself a compliment here. Eighter way, there is always going to be a hurdle and a reason why yoga becomes too difficult for me. Now, I cannot stand the heat but I love yoga. If I could do Bikram yoga, without the heat, that would be sweet and I wouldn’t be inclined to lay half of the class on my towel because the heat wouldn’t be working against me. Basically, I want to find a balanced way to live my life and live out my yoga practice in a way that reflects more of my dedication and not my weakness for heat. If i could choose, I would love to do Bikram yoga without the heat, because then, I would still get the benefit of consistency and would look forward to my practice rather than dread it. And I would be active, loosing weight and releasing happy endorphins rather than looking at the door, hoping the class is over soon.

I wish the hardships of my health journey consisted around weight. But it is not. My current weight is the result of having others fail me over and over. It is being given medication without being told, that it will cause a spike in my weight. It is about waking up from a laparoscopy surgery only to wake up to a completely different body, that is cut up and sewed back in a very not a nice way. I went into the surge with a flat stomach and woke up with a pouch. The same pouch, I have two years later, and the same pouch that changed with medication, for my mental health. The domino effect is real and it is all falling on me. More so, my stomach is the part of me that makes my body feel foreign to me, and I cannot seem to make peace with any of me. I feel trapped in physical body and in my own life. Everything in my current life is limited, and I just need to break free somehow.

I started Lunella, because I needed that outlet. I needed that space that is positive and where I can be myself without anyone telling me what they think of it or asking me questions about what this or that means. Because right now, I have zero capacity to answer questions or to give 100 per cent into what actually depletes me.

My hope is that the by-product of Lunella does help someone. I have learned a lot from people’s journeys and their journey did inspire me to take action and change my life, little by little. However, I do not see myself in a position to inspire or to help, when my entire life, is up in flames basically. People are not suppose to talk about their own flame. But like, we all got them.

Basically, out of my own health and life journey, I began to realize that it is imperative to share. Share our food, share our finances, share our mindset, share our clothing, or share our living spaces. The entire lifecycle, depends on someone humbling themselves low enough to realize that, sharing truly is caring. I don’t know how, but that is the law of equation so I will go with that

Through my own struggles, I realized that I have a special spot for those who are on the spectrum. I care for all, but I have a deeper sense of duty for those who identify as a woman and is on the spectrum. And if that was not difficult, women on the spectrum are prone to an eating disorder like me, amongst many more other things.

What women on the spectrum do not talk a lot about, is their prenatal health journey. I think it is because it is so hard, not many women want to openly share how embarrassing it is, to not understand certain aspects of their own daily life that comes so naturally to others. I certainly do not speak for anyone, except for myself, but if I was was to make a bet, I believe other women on the spectrum have similar struggles to mine, when it comes to starting and having their own family.

The daily life for a person on the spectrum is hard enough. When you salt and pepper that daily struggle with getting over a miscarriage, or other traumas to the body, it can feel next to impossible to be able to become pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, have a healthy birth and have a healthy child; over whom you are 100 per cent responsible for.

I have heard many stories of women whose pregnancy was difficult that universal truth is what we all share.

But when you add the component of autism, that is a hurdle that brings me to tears each time i think of it, because it is so darn embarrassing to me, that I would rather not be, that. And it is the nuances of every day that people do not think twice about when they are going on about their day. For the lack of better words, it is, the lack of clarity that comes with every moment. And to add to that, my brain feels like it is lifting weights in every moment, I need to make a decision, create a thought, write it down or the worse, when I have to say it out loud. Writing, for me, is a way of communication that I would never be able to get out of me otherwise.

After going through some difficult struggles in my life, like many others, my passion is to help those who identify as a woman, is on the spectrum and wants to have a baby. The mere aspect of possibility is an every day battle, and that is why I believe it is vital to blog about this topic, because there definitely could be more info about it and we all could use some support when it comes to our autonomy, mental health and every day living.

Xo,
Anika