Depression and Dependency

Depression like for many of us, is just a word. A word, that many people talk about in the context of sadness. And like all sadness, it can seem like depression is within our own power to change. Except, it is far from the truth. Depression is not like a pair of nice dress you can put on and then change into something different afterwards. Depression sticks. But why does no one talk about it, in the way that it is part of who we are. I have come to realize that depression is not something outside of me. It is not something I can work off in a fitness class, and suddenly I am cured, depression is part of who I am. In this short blog post I want to talk about depression, because recently, I have realized that I do in fact need all the medications that are prescribed to me and I cannot just ‘be good,’ without it.

I do not know how others deal with depression personally but from what I see, a lot of people turn to some type of fitness. I myself, enjoy doing pilates, yoga, swimming, biking, trail hiking and dancing. Those are pillars of what keeps me active. And I won’t deviate much outside of that.. I have tried other activities and I am happy to say, I found my continuous bliss in what I deem to be a fun and an effective way of movement. But what do you do when movement seems to be out of reach?

Depression is tricky. Some days are all good and other days, require rest with small wins throughout the day. Throughout my journey with depression, I have learned to recognize when to push myself and when to give myself the grace I need because my body needs it. Depression effects the body as much as it effect the mind. It somehow works as one. And what is tough to acknowledge is my dependence on medication. If I want to be active and do trail hiking, then I need to take the medication prescribed to me, even if it is not for my body. Because the mind and the body work as one. And I don’t want to struggle when I do not need. But sometimes, it is hard to accept dependency. No matter on what or whom it may be. Sometimes, dependency can be like the medication I didn’t want to take, but do need. Dependency, after all is what is suppose to make our lives easier.

I am a person who dislikes being dependent on someone or on something, but because I am on the spectrum and have depression, I am dependent on medications that makes sure I am alright on daily basis. Medications are the things I did not want to be reliant on, because what if it somehow leaves or stop working. I wanted to be stronger than my medications, but I am at the mercy of them. And that is a really not a great feeling. To depend on something, that others need to help me with. I know, at the end, it is a good thing. Because I need it. But still, the reality is such and I must learn to accept it and love myself for who I am today and not for how much more I can heal. Because I have done a really good job thus far and I am committed to keep doing just that.

Xo,
Anika