Unconditionally Letting Go

Attachments:

There are different types of attachments. There is secure attachment, anxious-preoccupied attachment, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant (disorganized):

Secure: trust, emotional, closeness, healthy relationships, resilience and stable.
Anxious: high anxiety about relationships and fear of abandonment.
Dismissive: avoids closeness and reliance on self.
Fearful: difficulty trusting others.

Each attachment is important for us to realize where in the healing journey we currently are.
Everyone, has all four but it depends on which ever one you feed the most.

Sometimes we cannot exactly choose which attachment is predominant in our lives currently,
because we are in situations, that bring out the attachment that feels the safest to us.

It is important to know what each style looks like for us, because, then, we have a clear and quick inventory of the status of our friendships, even if it is a relationship is with a loved one.

Why I am Writing about Attachment Styles:

I am currently going through a weight loss journey and so I am in the process of shedding physical and emotional weight.
That is why, I am currently about attachment styles, because I believe, those styles can be applied to just about anything in our lives regardless of the category.

When it comes to people I am currently attached to the idea that - one day will come, when I will be accepted, loved, respected and feel free to be autistically me around loved ones. But I have waited for that day for a long time and it has not come. I waited for years, to be accepted into the circle for who I am, without feeling like I have to earn it.

I have waited for years to be respected and to have my words carry meaning when I speak, because I know, no’one adds value the way that I do and no’one can think outside the box as well as I do.

I have waited for years to feel loved, but those moments were always fleeting and never became a permanent way of friendships, between myself and loved ones.

I guess the point is, I have had my hopes up for a very long time, because the glimmer of hope did show up during celebreations and special occasions. Instead I was left waiting for years, to be accepted into a group, that was never going to accept me anyway, no matter how many amazing things I did and said, because the intention was to never love me long-term.

What I am Currently Attached To:

When it comes to making plans for life, I get feverishly attached to those goals - in order to make my plans a reality. I have learned, thus far, that plans change and goals change along with them. But I have a very hard time with it. I take forever to decide, that once I make a plan, it is really difficult for me to change course at times. I had to do that recently. And I am still having hard time with letting the pixie dust settle.

For years, I have battled with the idea of going to nursing school. I bought books, I got my paperwork ready for submissions, I applied to different schools, only to keep pushing the deadline, telling myself - I am not yet ready. But the more I thought about it, I realized that I don’t like about nursing. I asked around and my GP’s nurse, told me there are nurses that do to administer injections. I know there are many different ways to be a nurse but I seem to like less of them then the idea really calls for. I am not good at math and most of the time, I would have to administer medications, and injections, and be pulled into million different directions from, which I get vertigo just from thinking about. On one hand I think that would be fun but on another hand, I only wanted to earn something that was already rightfully mine to freely and unconditionally receive.

I was looking for it, in the wrong places and chasing something that never had my name on it.

What I will Allow Myself To Get Attached To:

Being in Q 3 and going into Q4, this year, I want to attach myself to something that feel icky. I want to attach myself to something that I can commit to long-term, even though I couldn’t get anyone to attach themselves to me for long-term. And everyone who has respected me and loved and accepted me, is now with the Lord so it is especially difficult to be living in this world, without a healthy and a secure attachment.

But the thing is, attaching to people or letting people attach me to me also needs to have boundaries and be healthy. My number one attachment is to Heaven and from there everything else flows; without enforcement.

I learned that I need to attach to my own inner riddim, and withdraw energy that way. Withdraw energy from own well, from own inner source of light. Because that inner source of life is supported by God. When God is in the midst of our hearts, that is what it means when God says, “Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.” And that is what God means when He says, “I have the drink of life. Drink from me and you will never be thirsty.”

I am thirsty very often for water. Sometimes it makes a difference when we have good water or when we lukewarm water that has been sitting on our desk for hours. Even after drinking that water, I am still thirsty and still need a different type of water that can clench the first.

I feel like I have been going on around life, just sampling lukewarm water and never have been able to find the source of it. The source of water of God. And I have looked for Him in all the wrong places, that it left me weary and tired.

Now, instead I allow myself to become attached to the source within, because that is where I draw up for water. That is my well, and I do not want to ever let it become dry again.

Therefore, I will allow myself to get attached, not to myself, but I will instead allow myself to get attached to the Light that is within me. That way, when plans change, or when people change I am not left empty searching all over again for some sort of attachment. Instead, I will have a healthy, stable and solid attachment, regardless of the flows of life.

But the most important thing is, I will unconditionally love the Light that is within me, because otherwise, I would be against me. And nothing can grow from that sort of state.

And as I shed some pounds, and some ideas, I also shed the need to be loved, accepted, respected and understood for who I am, today. I have tried everything possible to be loved and accepted but sometimes, those things are out of control and no matter what we do, we can never receive the type of love we are craving from our loved ones. Instead, what we receive are conditions of sprinkled love, that is not rooted in a secure attachment. Instead it is rooted in an attachment that conditionally showing you that no matter what, you won’t be unconditionally loved, respected, and accepted. That is why, it is sometimes out of our control, who loves us and who leaves us. I cannot control for someone to love me, and I cannot also control for someone to love unconditionally. That is why, I am unconditionally letting go of the need to be loved and respected and instead create that secure attachment with the Light, that is within me.

Xo,
Anika