Authentically Autistically Me

I knew today was blog day but I did not have a topic, in mind. Perhaps, it is good to sometimes - go with the flow - for more of an organic vibe. Sometimes, everywhere I turn, life can feel like there is too much information in every area of my life.

Especially for someone on the autism spectrum. For me, information needs to be process and stored properly, otherwise, I crash from the overload. It is pretty much like someone working out with weights. I can handle 5 pounds, somewhat 10 pounds, but if I am constantly trying to manage 20 pounds, and do not have a space where I can put down the 20 pound weight, then I crash, mentally and also physically.

For me, being autistic is not something I pride myself with, but it is one word, that best explains who I am at my core. I tried to change a lot of things about me. One of those things, being the way I communicate. I have been told that I needed to work on my communication skills, and so I did. For ten years I have worked on my communication skills relentlessly. And I can say with complete confidence because I know how much work I have put into bettering myself. Without those hours, I would not be as strong as I am, today. Without that special interest, I would have given-up a while ago. I still do not truly know what propelled all of those years to keep going, but I am glad I have. Because now, I do not think about it. Now it is a lifestyle of mine.

Bettering myself daily, is something that I am. It is part of me at my core. Sort of like autism. And I say sort of, because communication skills can be changed. But the part of the brain responsible for that function, cannot be changed.

Being autistic is still an area in my life I am learning to accept. It is not something I can change. And for me, that is difficult to accept. I have been so driven to become perfect, that not being able to change that one part of me, out which, everything stems from, is sort of devastating.

Being told, that I am most likely not going to be able to change my executive functioning, makes me sad. I cannot pray it away and I cannot alter it either. It is something I need to learn to accept. And, autism is something I need to learn to work with. Being able to daily learn to love that part of me, is also learning to love myself, for who I am, and not for who I wish I could be.

That part of me, is with me forever, and regardless of, how I feel about it, think about it, it will never change the fact that I am autistic.

And, my autistic traits also cannot be controlled. I have meltdowns it crowded places, and I have the need to crash on the floor because the overload has become too much. Now, I have learned to, ‘catch it early,’ My meltdowns, are now managed as best as possible. And I have learned to work with my brain, rather than against it - wishing it was different. I try not to shame myself for being who I am, but I definitely would like my inner world and my outer world to resemble, the part of me, that is colorful, creative and confident. It is who I am at my core. Except, I have not have been able to reflect that and give space to the authentic part of me. I would like to not have to constantly solve something and instead, be present without the need to hide back into my shell.

Perhaps, with the right resources, I will be able to stay out of my shell long enough to be creative, colorful and confident. Perhaps one day, the autistic part that I cannot change, will be the reason that someone learns to accept, and therefore, my authentic self will shine through without me even saying a word.

xo,
Anika